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I wasn’t enough… and I’m still not

March 31, 2019

As I wake to celebrate mother’s day with my children and Mr Boo. I thought I’d share with you a post that has been sitting in my drafts for a while. A difficult one to write and even harder to share. But sometimes you have to take a look at why things happen and understand that sometimes it is you that is the problem (which let’s face it nobody likes to admit that they are at fault).

Last year I attended the funeral of a close friends dad. Whilst I was chatting to her and checking in to see how she was and her mum was coping etc. She mentioned that she had been staying with her mum since his death and was there to ensure that she wasn’t alone.

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It suddenly struck me like an epiphany that I wasn’t enough for my mum. Long story short, my mum and step dad moved back to Norfolk when Roo was almost three years old. My step dad wasn’t very well and I had hoped to help my mum with her being close by. Sadly within hours of the move he was admitted to hospital and died 12 days later.

The new life my mum was hoping for had gone just like that. Whilst I was there for her at the hospital and during the day. I never moved in, I never stayed overnight, my life didn’t stop because my step dad had died. Maybe in hindsight I should have done all of those things. However, I had Roo to look after, a husband and a job that all needed my time too.

Whilst I carried on my day to day life and even thought that this was a new chapter for my mum. Looking back I can see that is not how she viewed it.

Staying just over a year, I have fond memories for her spending time with Roo and meeting her grandson Tigger. However, I am very aware that I wasn’t enough for her.

With her decision to move back to Cumbria a bitter pill to swallow at the time. And in the years that followed if I’m honest. I couldn’t see at the time why she would move away and miss spending time with her grandchildren. But she needed more than just me – I wasn’t enough for her.

Years later I’m still very sad that she’s missing out on so much of her grandchildren’s lives. Of my life too, especially when I see how others have their mums by their sides for so many parts if their lives. But I know that she needs to do what makes her happy and able to complete day to day life.

It’s just hard to know that I wasn’t enough… and I’m still not.

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