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People pleasers are often perceived as selfless individuals, while those who are assertive might come across as confrontational. This is not quite true for both categories: people pleasers run the risk of losing themselves by putting others before themselves, and those who display assertive behavior are usually just being direct. The latter is a behavior that most people pleasers would benefit from.
Being assertive, for example, can make difficult conversations with the people you care about a lot easier, especially when you find your boundaries are being ignored. This can be a tricky skill to learn, though, so knowing how to do this without becoming aggressive is welcome advice. In fact, this post has outlined three of the main ways a people pleaser can practice being more assertive.
Understand that you will not be liked by everyone
As a people pleaser, you will often experience the need to be liked. This feeling can stem from your childhood at times, especially if you grew up with parents and other adults telling you to be nice and smile on a regular basis. It is this type of experience that contributes to the people-pleasing behavior and decreases your assertiveness.
However, being loved by everyone you meet is highly unlikely. As the saying goes, if you were everyone’s cup of tea, you’d be a mug. This means that if you wish to be accepted by everyone, you may lose your own individuality in the process. To avoid this from occurring, you should first accept that you will not be liked by everyone you meet and that this is perfectly normal.
You will need to change your mindset around the importance of being liked. This ensures you will not choose likability over what is best for you, which could have a detrimental effect on your wellbeing and cause you to change yourself to fit someone else’s expectations. It is important to remember that everyone is different, and that’s what makes the world so interesting.
Set clear boundaries – but ensure you do not backtrack
Establishing boundaries is an important aspect of becoming more assertive, although this can be a difficult step if you are a people pleaser. Your boundaries should be clear to ensure there is no room for confusion, and identifying your priorities will help to determine what your boundaries are. For example, if you want to spend more time with your family, then you might decide not to answer work calls after 5 pm. You can then communicate this boundary to the relevant people.
Once you have decided what is important to you and how you will protect those priorities with boundaries, you must stick to this plan. In a way, this will require you to develop the ability to say no and set boundaries with yourself. Not doing this could be perceived as prioritizing the needs of others over your own needs.
A people pleaser might feel guilty about enforcing their boundaries with other people, and this could cause them to experience inner turmoil. In some cases, this individual might even decide to backtrack and offer their help. Instead, remind yourself that you are focusing on your own priorities through boundaries and remain strong. This will take time and effort to become a habit, but it will be worthwhile in the long run.
Be kind to yourself when sitting in the feeling of discomfort
Although it has been mentioned previously, staying true to yourself is crucial to becoming more assertive and less of a people pleaser. Doing this will include sitting with your feelings when things get tough. It sounds silly, but the first step in doing this is to acknowledge what you are feeling. Many people will distract themselves to avoid their feelings, but you look inward and name this feeling. With this, you can then determine where you are feeling this emotion. If you feel guilt, does it churn your stomach? Or do you feel tension building in your body?
After acknowledging your emotions, you need to breathe. That’s all. There’s no need to change how you are feeling or make it disappear; you just need to sit with it and breathe. All feelings begin to pass eventually, with most emotions only lasting 90 seconds before they begin to fade away. Although this might not seem like building assertiveness, it is an effective method in proving that the guilt or shame you feel in doing so will dissipate, and you will have made the right choice in prioritizing yourself.
Being a people pleaser can be difficult, and it will eventually begin to take its toll on your health, whether that is physically or mentally. You can help yourself by becoming more assertive, and the tips listed in this post will hopefully help you do so.
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